I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
