you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
