My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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