Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
