Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
