I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
