Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
