I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
