You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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