we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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