so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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