if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
