you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
