Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
