for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
