my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
