TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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