She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
