first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
