this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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