so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize