I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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