you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
