Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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