I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
