Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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