1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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