just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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