I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
