The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
