Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize