ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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