Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
MIDGETS
????
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
