My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
