Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
