i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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