Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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