One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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