Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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