I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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