You really coming over, don't trick.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
