Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
