Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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