mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
