you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
