If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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