Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
