guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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