I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Houston, we have a blender
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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