I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
