The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
