She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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