My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Girls should come with a carfax report
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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