i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
