I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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