Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
