I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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