My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize