im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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