btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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