I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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