Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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