pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize