I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
